Understanding Mahr (Dowry) in Ohio

A Franklin County judge presiding over a divorce case involving a Muslim couple, asked the bride’s father to provide clarification about Mahr, one of the contentions in the case.  The father in turn asked me to provide an explanation since I performed that marriage and provided the Islamic contract containing the Mahr as one of its provisions.

In this piece, I’ll try to provide a short essay defining the Mahr, its purpose, its implication and an Ohio court ruling on the enforceability of Islamic marriage contracts.

It should be noted first that an “Islamic” marriage is not an act of worship; it is just a civil contract. In Ohio we say “Islamic” marriage to indicate that the couple being married is Muslim (or at least the husband is Muslim).  But the document signed by the bride, the groom, the witnesses and the Imam (the authorized person officiating the marriage) is simply called “Marriage Contract” and should be treated as such.

Definition of Mahr.

Mahr, also called Sadaq or dowry, is what the groom gives his bride at the signing of the Islamic marriage contract. It’s one of the requirements for a valid marriage. It can be in different forms: money, jewelry, livestock, real estate, etc., but it is always something of value, and symbolizes the man’s respect for the woman and his intention to provide for her.  Islam does not specify the amount or the form of the dowry.  It varies from country to country and from culture to culture.  (I have written contracts with Mahrs as low as $100 and as high as $50,000 and had one that offered a truck and another that offered camels.)  Other gifts exchanged during the engagement or even after the marriage are normally not part of the Mahr unless otherwise specified.

Purpose of Mahr.

Mahr is an Islamic requirement, among others, for a valid marriage contract.  Given by the groom to the bride, it shows that:      

1) The woman is being sought. (Like here in the USA, where women traditionally wait for men to propose.) 

2)    The woman has the right to ownership. Not only is the man accepting this right, but he is also empowering his wife to have her own wealth and handle it herself. The Mahr goes to the woman, not to her father or any other family member.  

Please note that this right was given to the woman more than 1400 years ago. Until recently women were themselves the property of their husbands in the western societies.  In some places in the Muslim world, the bride’s father has grabbed the Mahr from his daughter with the excuse of managing it for her and an insistence that she is irresponsible or incapable of handling it herself.  This is not according to the traditions of Islam and one wonders how poorly the father raised his daughter if she is so irresponsible.  Actually, the custom probably arises from places where, before Islam, fathers used to get a ‘bride price’ for their daughters and, after the region converted to Islam, fathers wanted a way to continue getting the money, so they made excuses. 

3) The man is and will be financially responsible for his wife and the children.

Advanced and postponed Mahr. 

In principle and preferably Mahr should be given, in its entirety, to the bride before consummating the marriage.  Over time it became customary in many places to give part of the Mahr (advanced part) at the signing of the marriage contract with a promise to give the remaining part (postponed part) at a later date.

The marriage contract is a negotiated written agreement between the man and the woman that can include any details in their agreement to become married.  A clear description of the Mahr should always be included.  Frequently the marriage contract will have the language: “the postponed part of the Mahr will become due to the wife when either a divorce or the death of the husband occurs”.  Other contracts may stipulate that the Mahr is due upon request or any other mutually agreed upon terms.

Frequently the postponed part becomes due many, many years (20, 30 or even more years) after the marriage took place. Except for possibly gold, if described in weight, most monetary amounts can lose their buying power, due to inflation, after all these years, leaving the postponed Mahr with almost no value. Attention should be paid to this point when the contract is written.

Divorce and Mahr.

Often Mahr, especially the postponed, becomes one of the major points of contention between husband and wife going through a divorce. This becomes an even bigger problem if the woman files for the divorce, since there is a general confusion among people that in this case the woman has to waive her right to her Mahr. If this were true, all that a man would have to do would be to make his wife’s life miserable to the point where she asks for divorce. Then he could free himself of her and get the Mahr back, or avoid having to pay her the postponed Mahr.  Such a practice is prohibited in Islam; Allah S.W.T said:

“ And when you divorce your wives and they approach the end of their appointed period, then either retain them in a becoming manner; or send them away in a becoming manner; but retain them not wrongfully so that you may transgress. And who so does that, surely wrongs his own soul” [2:231]

“….and harass them not that you may create hardships for them” [65:6]

“And if you desire to take one wife in place of another and you have given one of them a treasure, take not aught there from. Will you take it by lying and with manifest sinfulness?” [4:20]

When a woman wants a divorce today she goes to a judge, an impartial authority, who investigates the circumstances and decides the issue.  There are situations where the wife is required to forfeit all or part of the postponed Mahr and/or return the advanced Mahr as part of a divorce settlement.  It depends on the reasons for the divorce.  Where the husband has been abusive or neglectful of his responsibilities, he does not have the right to take his wife’s property in exchange for her freedom from him.  Unfortunately most couples refuse to go to the judge and binding arbitration for these issues even though the Quran says:

“And if you fear a breach between them, then appoint an arbiter from his folk and an orbiter from her folk. If they (the arbiters) desire reconciliation, Allah will affect it between them. Surely, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [4:36]

Spousal Support and Mahr.

Another general confusion among people is the false idea that, in the case of divorce, the Mahr is the only thing the wife “may be” entitled to. You find a wife spent years and years of her life supporting (financially and otherwise) a husband while he is going to medical school and/or sponsoring his American citizenship, then a divorce takes place and the husband thinks that all that he owes her is the postponed Mahr of 2000 rupees (about $50) written decades ago. This is wrong.  The wife is entitled to an equitable spousal support determined by a judge in a court of law. Allah S.W.T said:

“For divorced women is a suitable Gift. This is a duty on the righteous” [2:241]

Enforceability of Islamic Marriage Contract.

While courts in other states have enforced Mahr or dowry provisions in Islamic marriage contracts, no case in Ohio holding similarly can be found. To the contrary in a recent Ohio case involving a Muslim couple, the court refused to enforce the Mahr provision.

Fulanah Al Fulanyyah (the wife in this case) argued that the Islamic marriage contract should be enforced as an ante- [pre-] nuptial agreement.  Fulan Al Fulani (the husband in this case) countered that the Islamic marriage contract could not be enforced because to do so would be a violation of the First Amendment of the United States Constitution and the Ohio Constitution.  Contracts in Ohio cannot be made to force someone to obey a religious requirement.  So the State does not get into the obligation of enforcing religious rules of different churches or other religious organizations.  Fulan argued that he signed the contract under pressure the day of the marriage and didn’t really know or understand what he was signing.  I was there at the contract negotiations with the couple and their families and I bear witness that Fulan knew exactly what he was doing and what he was signing, but love of money over Allah can make people into liars.  As you see some men are willing to say anything to run away from their religious obligations. What does the USA Constitution have to do with a few thousand dollars owed to the wife?

The judge, in her ruling on the case, wrote “Furthermore, even if enforcement was not prohibited on constitutional grounds, the Islamic marriage contract fails to meet the requirements of a valid antenuptial agreement”

Then the judge wrote “Based on the holding in Steinberg and the consideration of other policy concerns, this court finds the Mahr provision in the Islamic marriage contract is unenforceable in an Ohio court.

Nonetheless, the court stresses that [Fulan’s, the husband’s] testimony that he did not believe the Mahr provision was anything more than ink on paper was not credible.” [Steinberg v. Steinberg (6/24/82) was a previous case concerning forcing compliance with religious obligation.]

The Judge also wrote “Although not enforceable by this court, the court is hopeful [Fulanah] will be able to enforce the provision and obtain relief through other religious means.”

In the end this is what is going to happen as the Prophet PBUH said,

”The claimants would get their claims on the day of Resurrection so much so that the hornless sheep would get its claim from the horned sheep (in reference to the harm caused by horned sheep to hornless sheep).”

So either you pay it in this life or you will pay it in the hereafter.

Recommendations.

In regard to the Mahr provision I make the following recommendations:

1)    The bride should ask for all of her Mahr prior to consummating the marriage. If this is impossible (like in most cases) then:

2)    Consult with an attorney to supplement the Islamic marriage contract with a legal instrument, enforceable in Ohio courts, pertaining to the Mahr. This becomes more important when the postponed Mahr is great in value.

3)    In case of a contested divorce, to resolve exclusively the Mahr contention, I recommend accepting binding arbitration (which could be enforceable in a court of law).  

If you believe that you are right about how the Mahr should be dealt with in divorce, then you should not be afraid of arbitration.   If you don’t get the outcome you believe you are entitled to, then either educate yourself better to understand how you are wrong, or accept that Allah knows the truth and will compensate you elsewhere, either in this life or the Hereafter, accept the decision of others and move on with your life.

Black Friday

Ahmad:  Get ready Honey , we need to go!

Fatima, surprised to be called 'Honey', thought her husband  Ahmad  must be up to something.

Fatima :  Go where? It is already 8:00 o'clock at night and we need to put the children to bed.

Ahmad :  Did you forget? Tomorrow is 'Black Friday'!  

Fatima :  What do you mean 'Black Friday'? Is something bad going to happen?

Ahmad: No Darling!  In business merchants used to use red ink to mark losses and black ink for profits. So tomorrow all businesses are hoping to use the black ink. That is why everything's on sale tomorrow.

Fatima (Now he's calling me 'Darling'?): But what does this have to do with us?

Ahmad : Look Sweetheart!  I have been wanting this plasma 55 inch TV for a long time and it is going on sale tomorrow for only $2,199.99, one thousand dollars off from its original price. The store opens at 4 o'clock in the morning. The store has  only three in stock according to my source at the store. (His friend works at the store.)  So hurry up! We need to be in line! I noticed people started to line up as I passed by the store on my way home from work.

Fatima : But we have a nice 32 inch flat screen TV and we don't need another one!

Ahmad : Honey!  You don't understand!  This is completely different. I can see the OSU-Michigan in 3D. You too will enjoy watching "Bab Al Hara" on the other TV when I'm watching the game.

Fatima : We don't have that kind of money!

Ahmad : Yesterday I  received another Visa card and I can use it for this dream-come-true purchase.  I figured my minimum monthly payments will only increase by  $21.

Fatima : Did you forget the house mortgage payment?,  car loan payment? , my student loan?,  daycare for our children? monthly payment on our furniture?

Ahmad : Don't worry.  Everything's  under control.  I just got raise at my job.

Fatima : But any time you may, God forbid,  lose your job.  Have you thought about that? We would lose everything, including our home.  How many people do we know who lost their jobs and for more than a year they could not find another job?

Ahmad: But, isn't true ..

Fatima (interrupting): How many times did I tell you to save some money for our "Black days"?  Not for "Black Fridays"!  Did you forget  what the Prophet upon him be peace said, "The Martyr is forgiven for everything except debt".  Did you forget that the Prophet, upon him be peace, refused to lead the Salat Aljanaza  (funeral prayer) on a deceased person who owed money?  Did you forget what Allah S.W.T says:

"Make not your hand tied (Like a stingy one's) to your neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach. so that you become blameworthy and destitute (Al-Israa 17:29). Let's you and I stick to this golden rule:

"Buy what  you need with what you have"

Ahmad : Jazakillahu Khayran Fatima! Why do you have to be so right? I was so excited ... but you are right.  We shouldn't buy this plasma TV now. Let's work together to pay off our debt as soon as possible. But I have a question for you.  We have one TV, right? What if the OSU-Michigan game and Bab Al Harah are at the same time?

Disclaimer : All characters appearing in this piece are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The Wife-Beating Issue

"Your mother is so great that I did not have to beat her up once in the thirty years we have been married!" a father told his sons as he was trying to praise his wife.

"Every time she will talk back at me I will slap her," a brother told me as I was trying to provide marital counseling for him and his wife. Apparently he had "smacked" her before they came to see me. The mind boggling thing is that when I asked him, "What did she say to you that caused you to hit her?" he replied, "We had an argument and she provoked me so I said to her "Haywaneh!" (you're an animal!) Then she dared to talk back at me saying, "Inteh el Haywan" (you're the animal). Then I exercised my "God given right" to beat her up."

Though this is hardly a common idea in our community, if only a few brothers follow this misunderstanding of our religion, it damages their families and it damages our whole community.

The opponents of Islam often accuse Islam and Muslims of mistreatment of women and allowing men to beat up their wives referring to the Quranic verse 4:34. Unfortunately some Muslim men do strongly believe that this verse in the Quran gives them some "God given right" to beat their wives.

Have you met my neighbor Bob?

The story below is true. It happened to a Muslim family in Central Ohio. I wanted to share it because I found it funny, while it reminds us of the value of our Islamic obligations toward our neighbors. I did some editing to conceal the identity of the people. It is narrated by the Muslim character.

Once I came home back in 2000 to find my porch lights being covered with thick pieces of green drapery! It reminded me of black out efforts in cities I saw during war time 40 years earlier in the Middle East. All the light bulbs were changed to green or blue.

"Why did you do that" I calmly asked Bob, my next door neighbor to the east. "Your lights are coming inside my bedroom," Bob angrily replied and he added, "Besides, you did not consult with me when you chose to change your front door from north to east, facing my bedroom!"

Why should I vote?

"What is voting in Islam?, It isn't mentioned in the Quran!" my friend Abdullah asked.

Well our scholars understood that voting amounts to "given a testimony" and we Muslims are required to give testimony when called for:

"...The witnesses should not refuse when they are called on"

(Al-Baqarah 2:282)

However, this should not be understood that given testimony is obligatory only when the witness is summoned . The prophet (PBUH) said:

"Should I not tell you about the best of witnesses? It is he who brings his testimony before he is even asked." (Muslim)

Allah S.W.T also said:

"... and do not conceal testimony; for whoever conceals it,- His heart is tainted with sin. And Allah Knows all that you do. "

(Al-Baqarah 2:283)

Based on this, an overwhelming number of Islamic scholars declared that Muslim participation is permissible in all political aspects including voting, nominating, and running for public offices. Many went on to saying that such Muslim participation is obligatory and it is sinful if a Muslim is negligent in this kind of participation, especially if his "No Vote" caused the election of a candidate who is not best for the job or caused the passage of a measure that is not in the best interest, from an Islamic standpoint, of humanity in general and Muslims in particular.

Then Abdullah said, "Fine but does my vote really count? Back where I came from, the presidential election, for example, was always won by 99.999% of the votes!"

In true democracies you will not see the 99.999%. For example in the 2000 Presidential election , in Florida Bush got 2,912,790 votes while Gore got 2,912,253 votes. As a result Bush won the election by only 517 votes. Also in the 2008 general election for congress in the Ohio 15th district, Mary Jo Kilroy defeated Steve Stivers by only 2311 votes (most likely the Muslim votes) out of more than 304,000 cast.

I hope this convinces you how important is your vote!

"I really don't care since next year I'm going back home anyway!" Abdullah replied.

Well, Abdullah, I have been hearing you say this for the last 10 years and you're still hanging in here. The prophet (PBUH) said:

"If you happen to witness the start of the Day of Judgment and you have a plant and if you live enough just to plant it, then do so."(Ahmad & others)

So you owe it to yourself, to the country which opened its arms to you and gave you its citizenship, to the community in general and to the Muslim community to get out and vote for he or she who can do the best job and for the issue that benefits everyone.

Then Abdullah asked an important question, "Fine, fine. I should vote. But I don't know who is who. How can I vote?"

You are obligated to inform yourself on the issues and the candidates. Ask others if you don't. The League of Women Voters is a national organization with local chapters that is a good source of information on both candidates and issues, as are newspaper stories. Television ads, fliers published by a political party, and other ads may be poor sources of information. A meet the candidates event or a debate can give you some ideas about candidates.

You may argue that back in 2000 we followed the recommendations of knowledgeable Islamic organizations and we were wrong. True, but you do your best and what happen later is with God's hands and wisdom.

"Say: "I have no power over any good or harm to myself except as Allah wills. If I had knowledge of the unseen, I should have multiplied all good, and no evil should have touched me......."

(Al-A'raf 7:188)

"I need to confess I don't trust any candidate. They're all liars. They promise you so many things and once elected they break all their promises. Therefore I'm not voting!" Abdullah continued to argue.

They're not all the same. There are many honest and trustworthy candidates. Look for them. And circumstances they encounter once elected often sidetrack them or block them from doing many of the things they dream of. Most people go into politics, particularly at the local level, because they truly want to make things better. We have to be reasonable about the jobs we send them to do.

Undoubtedly you will not find a perfect candidate for any post, a candidate that agrees with you on all issues. Just use your best judgment and vote for the most suitable person for the position from the perspectives of moral character and qualifications for the position. And remember that each vote will affect you, your family and your community whether you voted or not.

So be part of the solution. Get off the couch and vote.

Finally Abdullah conceded and said:

"Thank you my friend. I will see you at the polls on November 2nd, Inshallah, and we all will vote for the best candidates and vote for issues that are good for the community in general and for us, the Muslim minority living in the West in particular."

OK, I might see you then, but we don't have to wait to the last day to vote. We can vote early in Franklin County if we go to 280 E. Broad Street instead of our regular polling places. You can find out the days and hours for early voting at

http://vote.franklincountyohio.gov/

Actually this website has important information for all voters, like what kind of ID to bring for voting and a sample ballot so you can prepare yourself better. If you aren't familiar with where your regular polling place is for voting on November 2, you can look it up on this website, as well as find out if you are correctly registered. You can report your changed address when you move as well. Each time you move you must correct your voter registration information.

Abdullah, let's spend the evening of November 2nd at my place watching the election results while having dinner together. I know a great chicken recipe and I'll kick it up a notch for you since you love hot spices.

Burn No Sacred Books

In the name of God ,
God of Noah (Nouh), Abraham (Ibrahim) Moses (Musa)Jesus (Issa) and Mohammad,
Most gracious Most Merciful
I greet you with the greeting of Islam and the greeting of Islam is Salam (Peace)So I tell you: Peace be upon you all.

The Quran teaches us why we're created different:

"O mankind! We created you from a single pair of a male (Adam) and a female (Eve) (Hawah) and made you into nations and tribes that you may know each other. 49:13"

And Islam encourages us to be positive contributing members of both our communities and our environment. Here are some of the teachings of Islam:

"God is the provider to all His creatures and the most beloved to God is those among you who are most beneficial to His creatures."

"If you happen to witness the start of the doomsday and you have a plant and if you live enough just to plant it then do so. "

"If a Muslim plants a tree, or sows a field and men and beasts and birds eat from it, all of it is charity from him".

Dear brothers and Sisters:

We gather here today as Americans and what is good for America is good for all of us and what hurts America hurts all of us. We Muslims are part of the society and serving all as doctors, engineers, teachers, business people.

Throughout history minorities have come under attack particularly during times of economic hardships. Our country is going through hardship today and some people are lashing out against minorities in their anxiety about the future. But we all need to all stick together and help each other through these difficult times. This is what will make our country strong again and among the great successes of nations in the world.

We condemned the act of few deranged men on 9/11 that caused the death of thousands of innocent men and women including many Muslims. Islam forbids the killing of innocent men and women. Islam even forbids the killing of birds except for the necessity of food.
We cannot learn to live together and break down the barriers that divide us unless we get to know each other better.

I would like to thank my friend Ray, Sister Zerqa and all those who worked hard to put together this great event . And we are calling for continued interfaith efforts for the benefit of all of us American. Please make sure before you leave to have some Baklava donated by the Islamic Society of Greeter Columbus

Presented at the Interfaith Solidarity Service, Sept 11, 2010

Please visit
http://zerqaabid.blogspot.com/2010/09/excellent-interfaith-solidarity-service.html
to see a full 6 part video coverage of this historic event.

Collective Iftars

"And what is that in your right hand Abu Omar?", a curious brother asked me when we were sitting in the mosque waiting for the magrib athan to breakfast. "It's a mug containing my daily Ramadan dose of soup. I brought it to help keep me alive until my turn comes, 30 to 45 minutes after the athan, to get my dinner!", I replied.

As I stand in line, uncomplainingly waiting to get my food, those who beat me to the line (many are children and only God knows how many of them fasted that day) start to emerge from the line with plates full of my favorite foods; chicken tanduri, sambusak and salad. By the time I get to be served my favorites are gone.

I was in a food line at a mosque and I noticed from far away my favorite fruit salad. This time I was lucky to find some left when I got there and I served myself a nice bowl. To my surprise it contained extremely hot spices and I had to force myself to eat it since I wasn't used to having hot spices in the fruit salad and I hate to leave behind any food. This was an Indian version of the fruit salad. I guess a warning like "Extremely hot, consume at your own risk" would have been nice. I need to confess that since then I have liked it so much and enjoy eating it when invited to my Indian friends. I think it is a matter of knowing what you're getting yourself into in advance.

When you are invited to a huge collective iftar at a convention center or the like, you may try to locale the food serving lines and sit as near to one of them as possible in an attempt to get your iftar quickly. This technique will probably not work; our non-Muslim, non-fasting friends will be called first to the food line. This is understandable, they are our guests and we should show hospitality. Then tables will be called by 'random' numbers to the food line and you're left to your luck!

I love these collective iftars. People are competing to earn the reward of all of those fasting invitees . The Prophet (PBUH) said in the hadith:

“Whoever gives food to a fasting person to break his fast will have a reward like his without detracting from his reward in the slightest”

The fasting person in this hadith could be rich or poor, friend or relative. These collective iftars bring families and friends together. You sometimes get to see people you haven't seen for years. These iftars are conducted at homes, at small community centers, at mosques and Islamic centers, and large banquet halls.

Collective Iftar Etiquettes

1) If you're invited, especially at someone's home, please come on time and don't break your fast before you show up. Remember the host is looking forward to earning the reward for offering you, as a fasting person, the food.

2) If you're hosting a collective iftar, please make sure that the food is ready at magrib time. Some people have medical conditions and need to eat quickly and remember that speeding up the breaking of the fast is an Islamic virtue. Also, please make sure there's enough food of every kind you're serving for every guest. (Fewer varieties of food with enough of each for everyone is preferable. Actually this helps people to eat more reasonably because their urge to sample everything is less likely to overwhelm their stomachs.)

3) The 3 thirds diet of the Prophet (PBU):

"No one fills a pot worse than his stomach. For a person a few mouthfuls are sufficient to keep his back straight. But if he wants to fill his stomach then he should divide his stomach into three parts; one third part for food, another third for drink, and a third empty for easy breathing." (Tirmidhi)

I always try to apply this great rule.

There is nothing wrong with the host encouraging people to take seconds, or to sample each dish. Some guests might be shy. However, sometimes the host will insist and force you to take seconds and thirds. Your plate is piled well beyond what you can eat and you hate to waste. And the host might be watching to see that you eat it! Let us be careful of the difference between encouragement and forcing. By doing this, when the dessert time arrives, you already over-filled your stomach. Most of my friends know that I seldom go for seconds (strategic plan to leave room for the dessert in addition to air).

4) Watch over the children! They always fill their plates and half of the food is thrown away. They need to be trained to get a little amount of food and come back for seconds if needed. Actually we need to be careful as adults not to put more on our plates than we can comfortably eat.

In many countries there are poor people in great need of food and they may have few means of preserving food. So it makes sense to eat extra heartily when you get food, because it is there, you don't know when you might see your next big meal, and it will spoil if it is not eaten.

Let us remember those people in need and send help to them. And since we have sufficient food here for all and we can store leftovers safely, let us be moderate in our eating and in our serving others.

"Eat and drink but waste not by excess, For Allah loves not the wasters" (Al-A'raf:31)

Finally I wish all of you Ramadan Mubarak and may Allah S.W.T forgive all of our sins and accept our prayers, our siam and all of our good deeds.